GoundHog Day

While I was in the hospital last week, my mom light-heartedly said, “I swear it is like GroundHog Day with you.” I smiled and thought to myself Lordy, what in the world I have put her through in the past 3 years. I am sure it times I may come across as a walking land mine. One disaster after another. We HAVE to laugh about it. If not, it will drive us crazy.

“If we didn’t laugh at ourselves we would cry our eyes out.” – Indigo Girls

The truth is there has been a LOT of brokenness in the past few years of this life of mine. I have had 2 broken engagements. TWO. That is two separate times I have opened my heart to love and had things not work out as planned. Two separate times that I have had to hold my head up high and pick up the pieces the best I knew how. There were a lot of tears, a lot of wine, and a whole lot of hurt & anger in these break ups. I even lost a few friends along the way.

I understand now that there are certain people who cannot handle grief. Who don’t know how to empathize with other peoples pain. I don’t hold anything against these people… but it was a lesson learned. A BIG one. Losing some of those friendships hurt just as much as the broken engagements and left scars that will take just as much time to heal.

All that being said, I do believe that God has covered me with GRACE each day through the broken places. Actually I KNOW it is true. Grace is something God gives us when we don’t deserve it. He doesn’t just offer His grace on birthdays, holidays or special occasions. That is what makes him God. He loves us ALL THE TIME.
I sure as hell didn’t deserve all the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances He has given me. Especially when I had my fists angrily balled up in his direction behaving like a stubborn rebellious child.

In the face of loss, God also PROVIDES. He provided me with new friendships. He strengthened relationships that were already there. He taught me how to love and appreciate those people more. I believe he put into place the support system that helped me keep my head above water when I was just about ready to drown. Drown in my self pity, drown in my anger, drown in my sadness, drown in my recklessness, in my selfishness. Just writing this makes me want to scream THANK YOU GOD for getting me through the low places and providing the people to hold me up when I simply cannot stand.

I also believe that in seasons of loss God TEACHES. He has been teaching me to stand on my own two feet. Something pretty darn important as I prepare to be a single mom. To realize that no matter how much you love your friends, your family members, your boyfriend, your fiancé… they are human. And all people, including me, are more than likely going to let you down at some point in the journey. I am learning that in standing on my own two feet, there is a NECCESITY to lean harder into Him. Daily. In the same way we need water to drink and air to breathe. We just simply cannot live this life and understand all of the bumps in the road on our own. We need Promises. Life without Hope is truly like GroundHog Day. There is no adventure, no lessons learned, and no believing in better days ahead.