Tonight is a lonely night for this lady. In spite of that, I am so grateful for the sweet little kicks I have every now and then that remind me of the life I have inside of me. The abundance of love I have for her is unreal and overwhelming at the same time.
I confess I can give into my selfishness and find myself feeling frustrated and sorry for myself from time to time. Tonight I couldn't help it when the tears started to flow down my cheeks. I tried really hard to swallow them back and move on. I am a professional at sucking it up and moving on. But tonight I am allowing myself to feel what is coming natural.
I am frustrated with R. I am angry that he is an addict. I am hurt that he chose his addictions over us. I don't feel like he has any clue to what I am walking through. He is in celebrity rehab and I am in the real world. I don't even know if he really gets it that we are having a baby in April...
I think the catalyst for this frustration is the last letter I received from him. When he left for Georgia back in November... I was under the impression he would come back for our daughters birth. Now he is saying he is not coming back. He said, it may put his recovery in jeopardy.
I can see where his reasoning comes from with my head, but my heart doesn't see how he can miss something so important. To all of us.
So this is where I am in this moment, and this is what you will find me praying... That the Lord will protect me from my selfishness and self pity way of thinking. That he will grant me a heart of understanding and cover me with patience. That as each day passes I trust in Him more and lean on my own understanding less.
I am meditating on one of my favorite scriptures,
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
sending love and prayers. hugs.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear friend! keep your head up.
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